I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
