What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
