I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
