if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
