CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
