This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
