That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
