i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
