Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
