My hand turned me down
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
