I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
