I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
