I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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