I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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