Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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