How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
