Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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