I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
