im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
