I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
