whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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