dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
