i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
