just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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