I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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