Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
