Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
