3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
