Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
