I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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