Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
