you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
