I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
