Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
