You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
