Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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