It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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