legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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