i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
