Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
