Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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