First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
