I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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