So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
