I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
