I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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