Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
