"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
