hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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