now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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